i feel...
like im losing friends.
that im more judgmental than i let on or admit.
that i talk too much to the "wrong" people - wrong only because i feel what i tell them in confidence isn't so concealed.
like friends are talking about me - about concerns|judgments i have about them.
like people don't understand me anymore.
like running away|shutting myself out of lives|disappearing|hiding in my shell.
--
i read a friend's blog...and although "anonymously" talking about a topic...i really feel like its talking about ME.
i don't remember if we talked about that stuff recently. but its all about things i would have or have already said.
i try to blame others...
but there is no one truly to blame but myself.
it was mostly concern. honest concern.
then i guess it turned into disappointment and disbelief.
and now maybe its a little bit of jealousy and fear of them unwilling to trust me with certain things anymore.
maybe i should just cut my tongue off and keep shut from now on.
because i dont have the balls to be the one to confront.
dont know if i want to be the one confronted, either...
4.29.2009
4.23.2009
ok that must be | it
i have a dream blog.
but its still empty.
and since i can't remember all the details...i'll just put it here.
all i remember is...
being at a pcn show
dancing
black
white
navy blue
red
packing/putting food away(?)
so when i woke up i checked my handy dandy dream dictionary and basically...
my subconscious is telling me that i love dancing...miss it...and should get over my fear of judgement and just dance.
and maybe the same fears about weight|appearance and moving away from home? yah.
and probably the fact that i miss being in a pcc.
the end. :D
but its still empty.
and since i can't remember all the details...i'll just put it here.
all i remember is...
being at a pcn show
dancing
black
white
navy blue
red
packing/putting food away(?)
so when i woke up i checked my handy dandy dream dictionary and basically...
my subconscious is telling me that i love dancing...miss it...and should get over my fear of judgement and just dance.
and maybe the same fears about weight|appearance and moving away from home? yah.
and probably the fact that i miss being in a pcc.
the end. :D
4.22.2009
twitter | took over my life
so much for updating everyday (but that's been a lie for quite some time).
so lent came and went. and on easter morning i reDLed facebook onto my iphone.
3 days later i joined twitter.
hence the absence, haha.
highlights (-) and blogs i plan on writing (*)
- watched berkeley's pcn. made me excited to watch PCC (UCSD KP) and made me miss the good old days
- got to hang out with some HOMEies...TWICE in one week. first time in a long @ss time.
- on a new "workout" plan (hah). maybe this is a * too
* postsecret|revisited
* ihateboyswhodance (ok maybe just a -. we'll see)
- finding lots of friends on twitter. yay!
- trying not to be THAT addicted
- i learned a new piece on the piano --> "falling slowly"
- found the "bedknobs and broomsticks" dvd at borders for 50% off. chhyyeeeaaayuh.
- might try out tumblr. MIGHT.
i can't think of anything else.
i fail you blog. je suis desolee.
i'll be back more often, i (hope to) promise...
so lent came and went. and on easter morning i reDLed facebook onto my iphone.
3 days later i joined twitter.
hence the absence, haha.
highlights (-) and blogs i plan on writing (*)
- watched berkeley's pcn. made me excited to watch PCC (UCSD KP) and made me miss the good old days
- got to hang out with some HOMEies...TWICE in one week. first time in a long @ss time.
- on a new "workout" plan (hah). maybe this is a * too
* postsecret|revisited
* ihateboyswhodance (ok maybe just a -. we'll see)
- finding lots of friends on twitter. yay!
- trying not to be THAT addicted
- i learned a new piece on the piano --> "falling slowly"
- found the "bedknobs and broomsticks" dvd at borders for 50% off. chhyyeeeaaayuh.
- might try out tumblr. MIGHT.
i can't think of anything else.
i fail you blog. je suis desolee.
i'll be back more often, i (hope to) promise...
4.08.2009
stuck | in a rut
STUCK.
that's what i've been feeling lately.
STANDSTILL. PLATEAU. middle of NOWHERE. DIRECTIONLESS.
but it's not like all of it is negative|emo|pessimistic.
but i'm not saying being stuck is a good thing either (who would?).
weight.
between my heaviest and my lightest, i lost over 25 pounds last year.
now i'm yo-yo-ing in my progress. not in the sense where im 10 pounds heavier|lighter. but it's more like 5 pounds. technically that is normal in weight shift...but i'm trying to lose weight!
i must be...
- not trying hard enough
- eating more than i think i am
gaaah. where's the motivation? i've lost it somewhere...i don't know. sometimes i'm like "yes! i am going to do this" and other days i just want to be a vegetable.
//be positive. find new fun ways to exercise. be patient.
career.
it's SO HARD looking for a job right now. so fucking hard. and i know its partly because of the economy...but still. really?
it's beginning to make me doubt myself. ALOT.
am i smart enough?
does anybody want me?
did i lose it?
i study and review (although probably not as hardcore as i should be)...and still nothing.
//be positive. keep studying. be patient.
social|life.
my social life is in socal. i miss it. but i love home. and i've been hanging out with my sister more. which i love.
i don't like traveling down there so much anymore cuz i'm MAD BROKE.
my dad drives me NUTS. i'm 22 and living at home...but that doesn't mean you treat me like a teenager.
where are you going? who are you going with? what time are you coming home? why so late? again? why?
seriously. do i ask you about everything?
ok it's not just social life. just my life. what are you doing? what did you get in the mail? did you order something? what did you buy?
seriously, just stop.
//be positive. keep living. be patient.
STUCK.
and frustrated.
and having a hard time dealing with it. and admitting it.
but i will get through this. it will pass. i'll get my break. i'll behappy(er).
that's what i've been feeling lately.
STANDSTILL. PLATEAU. middle of NOWHERE. DIRECTIONLESS.
but it's not like all of it is negative|emo|pessimistic.
but i'm not saying being stuck is a good thing either (who would?).
weight.
between my heaviest and my lightest, i lost over 25 pounds last year.
now i'm yo-yo-ing in my progress. not in the sense where im 10 pounds heavier|lighter. but it's more like 5 pounds. technically that is normal in weight shift...but i'm trying to lose weight!
i must be...
- not trying hard enough
- eating more than i think i am
gaaah. where's the motivation? i've lost it somewhere...i don't know. sometimes i'm like "yes! i am going to do this" and other days i just want to be a vegetable.
//be positive. find new fun ways to exercise. be patient.
career.
it's SO HARD looking for a job right now. so fucking hard. and i know its partly because of the economy...but still. really?
it's beginning to make me doubt myself. ALOT.
am i smart enough?
does anybody want me?
did i lose it?
i study and review (although probably not as hardcore as i should be)...and still nothing.
//be positive. keep studying. be patient.
social|life.
my social life is in socal. i miss it. but i love home. and i've been hanging out with my sister more. which i love.
i don't like traveling down there so much anymore cuz i'm MAD BROKE.
my dad drives me NUTS. i'm 22 and living at home...but that doesn't mean you treat me like a teenager.
where are you going? who are you going with? what time are you coming home? why so late? again? why?
seriously. do i ask you about everything?
ok it's not just social life. just my life. what are you doing? what did you get in the mail? did you order something? what did you buy?
seriously, just stop.
//be positive. keep living. be patient.
STUCK.
and frustrated.
and having a hard time dealing with it. and admitting it.
but i will get through this. it will pass. i'll get my break. i'll behappy(er).
4.02.2009
makes me | happy
watching live shows really REALLY makes me happy.
and lately, every show i have been to has only made me love and respect that artist (or artists) even more.
last night me and fishy were at the first show of india.arie's latest tour.
laura izibor opened. my new favorite artist! pianist and vocalist. and she made it look SO easy. love her style!
india was...nothing short of amazing. she's so real and raw and her talent is SO beyond that of many other artists. i love her voice.
listening to her music is therapy.
videos.
and lately, every show i have been to has only made me love and respect that artist (or artists) even more.
last night me and fishy were at the first show of india.arie's latest tour.
laura izibor opened. my new favorite artist! pianist and vocalist. and she made it look SO easy. love her style!
india was...nothing short of amazing. she's so real and raw and her talent is SO beyond that of many other artists. i love her voice.
listening to her music is therapy.
videos.
3.25.2009
oh | lodi
how random my day was because of you!
me and maggie went to watch 'the reader' today and the only place showing it was lodi stadium 12.
today was my first time at this theater...and downtown lodi for that matter.
//it was a really good movie btw. no wonder she won best actress for it. now to read the book...
so after watching the movie we decided to wander around the downtown area because it was cute and we were curious and we're usually up for the random stroll.
lodi downtown is kind of like a mix between...westwood|3rd street santa monica|downtown la jolla in a sense were everything is boutique-ish...walkable...quasi expensive...white dominated (yah i said it)...interesting.
it also had a...somerset (small town from the movie 'the sweetest thing') and pleasantville vibe to it as well.
//randomest|most interesting part of my day
we walk into a sweet shoppe and want to grab some frozen yogurt. we were just talking about how we prefer pay by weight vs cup because i honestly thing you get a better deal with weight...cuz u get whatever you want and pay for it...and most people are shady with the toppings that cost more than they should.
ANWYHO.
so the frozen yogurt at the back of the store and the cups are nearby and the girl was not tending to us...so we assumed it was self serve. just as maggie pulled down the lever the girl quasi yells at us to say that she was supposed to do it. i don't think there are any words to describe those next few minutes of conversational exchange. my only conclusion was that the girl was STONED. it was hilarious. and im sad i can't describe it to you.
a few words of advice to the owners - if you don't want us to attempt to self-serve our fro-yo...put the cups BEHIND the counter so we won't touch. kapeesh?
we continue to walk around. after finishing the fro-yos we start walking into stores. let's just say whatever you think you're getting into when you see the store...is totally different by the time you get in.
1) "urban store" is really a children's store but had a few surfer|skateboard brands at the display.
2) book store was actually a CHRISTIAN book store...didn't realize it until we opened the doors. first time ive ever seen a christian book store that didn't have the word christian or family in the store name
3) shoe store whose window display included vans and other sk8r shoes was actually a shoe store whose demographics were much older (or younger...or...well for people old enough to have kids and their kids)
false advertising! haha. all good.
there were tons of bars|wine tasting places and a place where you can paint your own pottery.
i'll definitely be heading back.
---
//other thoughts of the day
- im EXCITED for the asparagus festival
- there are HELLA movies to watch. i love this season.
- i<3matt|anoop|adam|kris
me and maggie went to watch 'the reader' today and the only place showing it was lodi stadium 12.
today was my first time at this theater...and downtown lodi for that matter.
//it was a really good movie btw. no wonder she won best actress for it. now to read the book...
so after watching the movie we decided to wander around the downtown area because it was cute and we were curious and we're usually up for the random stroll.
lodi downtown is kind of like a mix between...westwood|3rd street santa monica|downtown la jolla in a sense were everything is boutique-ish...walkable...quasi expensive...white dominated (yah i said it)...interesting.
it also had a...somerset (small town from the movie 'the sweetest thing') and pleasantville vibe to it as well.
//randomest|most interesting part of my day
we walk into a sweet shoppe and want to grab some frozen yogurt. we were just talking about how we prefer pay by weight vs cup because i honestly thing you get a better deal with weight...cuz u get whatever you want and pay for it...and most people are shady with the toppings that cost more than they should.
ANWYHO.
so the frozen yogurt at the back of the store and the cups are nearby and the girl was not tending to us...so we assumed it was self serve. just as maggie pulled down the lever the girl quasi yells at us to say that she was supposed to do it. i don't think there are any words to describe those next few minutes of conversational exchange. my only conclusion was that the girl was STONED. it was hilarious. and im sad i can't describe it to you.
a few words of advice to the owners - if you don't want us to attempt to self-serve our fro-yo...put the cups BEHIND the counter so we won't touch. kapeesh?
we continue to walk around. after finishing the fro-yos we start walking into stores. let's just say whatever you think you're getting into when you see the store...is totally different by the time you get in.
1) "urban store" is really a children's store but had a few surfer|skateboard brands at the display.
2) book store was actually a CHRISTIAN book store...didn't realize it until we opened the doors. first time ive ever seen a christian book store that didn't have the word christian or family in the store name
3) shoe store whose window display included vans and other sk8r shoes was actually a shoe store whose demographics were much older (or younger...or...well for people old enough to have kids and their kids)
false advertising! haha. all good.
there were tons of bars|wine tasting places and a place where you can paint your own pottery.
i'll definitely be heading back.
---
//other thoughts of the day
- im EXCITED for the asparagus festival
- there are HELLA movies to watch. i love this season.
- i<3matt|anoop|adam|kris
3.23.2009
the power of | awkward
i don't know if anyone has ever underestimated the feeling awkwardness...all i know is that i am a strong believer in its powerful effects on people.
awkwardness, for one, is one of the easiest things to emphasize with. we've all been there...in an awkward turtle type of moment. so when we see it happen, in person or on screen, we feel it...we know what they're going through. and all we can hope is for that moment to pass.
awkward moment #1.
singing at church. now i know i don't have an amazing voice or anything or think im better than people, but i know what "good" is supposed to sound like....blame it on piano, whatever. i shiver at a bad note.
and today, the harmonizing was baaaad =x sources tell me they're seasoned singers and for some reason could not pull it off today.
do i cringe? hide it and bear it? remind myself that God loves us anyways so long as we're singing for Him?
awkward moment #2.
on our way to dinner, my parents start talking about googling and facebook. they GOOGLED me and fishy. my DAD has a FACEBOOK. if that's not the definition of awkward i don't know what is. thank goodness not toooo much comes up when i'm googled...but facebook is a different story. thank goodness for privacy settings. i'll be changing those as soon as i can.
awkward moment #139440294853.
me and fishy watched "i love you, man" today. really FUNNY movie. please go watch it. its FULL of the awkward. but awkward moments only compel you to do something about it...to make it less awkward...save yourself from the awkward...or unfortunately fail at saving self from awkwardness and making it even MORE awkward.
i emphasize with awkward.
i am awkward.
this blog is awkward =x
oh well.
awkwardness, for one, is one of the easiest things to emphasize with. we've all been there...in an awkward turtle type of moment. so when we see it happen, in person or on screen, we feel it...we know what they're going through. and all we can hope is for that moment to pass.
awkward moment #1.
singing at church. now i know i don't have an amazing voice or anything or think im better than people, but i know what "good" is supposed to sound like....blame it on piano, whatever. i shiver at a bad note.
and today, the harmonizing was baaaad =x sources tell me they're seasoned singers and for some reason could not pull it off today.
do i cringe? hide it and bear it? remind myself that God loves us anyways so long as we're singing for Him?
awkward moment #2.
on our way to dinner, my parents start talking about googling and facebook. they GOOGLED me and fishy. my DAD has a FACEBOOK. if that's not the definition of awkward i don't know what is. thank goodness not toooo much comes up when i'm googled...but facebook is a different story. thank goodness for privacy settings. i'll be changing those as soon as i can.
awkward moment #139440294853.
me and fishy watched "i love you, man" today. really FUNNY movie. please go watch it. its FULL of the awkward. but awkward moments only compel you to do something about it...to make it less awkward...save yourself from the awkward...or unfortunately fail at saving self from awkwardness and making it even MORE awkward.
i emphasize with awkward.
i am awkward.
this blog is awkward =x
oh well.
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