realitycheck-in

i feel...

like im losing friends.
that im more judgmental than i let on or admit.
that i talk too much to the "wrong" people - wrong only because i feel what i tell them in confidence isn't so concealed.
like friends are talking about me - about concerns|judgments i have about them.
like people don't understand me anymore.

like running away|shutting myself out of lives|disappearing|hiding in my shell.

--

i read a friend's blog...and although "anonymously" talking about a topic...i really feel like its talking about ME.
i don't remember if we talked about that stuff recently. but its all about things i would have or have already said.

i try to blame others...
but there is no one truly to blame but myself.

it was mostly concern. honest concern.
then i guess it turned into disappointment and disbelief.
and now maybe its a little bit of jealousy and fear of them unwilling to trust me with certain things anymore.

maybe i should just cut my tongue off and keep shut from now on.
because i dont have the balls to be the one to confront.
dont know if i want to be the one confronted, either...

ok that must be | it

i have a dream blog.
but its still empty.

and since i can't remember all the details...i'll just put it here.

all i remember is...
being at a pcn show
dancing
black
white
navy blue
red
packing/putting food away(?)

so when i woke up i checked my handy dandy dream dictionary and basically...

my subconscious is telling me that i love dancing...miss it...and should get over my fear of judgement and just dance.
and maybe the same fears about weight|appearance and moving away from home? yah.
and probably the fact that i miss being in a pcc.

the end. :D

twitter | took over my life

so much for updating everyday (but that's been a lie for quite some time).

so lent came and went. and on easter morning i reDLed facebook onto my iphone.

3 days later i joined twitter.

hence the absence, haha.

highlights (-) and blogs i plan on writing (*)
- watched berkeley's pcn. made me excited to watch PCC (UCSD KP) and made me miss the good old days
- got to hang out with some HOMEies...TWICE in one week. first time in a long @ss time.
- on a new "workout" plan (hah). maybe this is a * too

* postsecret|revisited
* ihateboyswhodance (ok maybe just a -. we'll see)

- finding lots of friends on twitter. yay!
- trying not to be THAT addicted
- i learned a new piece on the piano --> "falling slowly"
- found the "bedknobs and broomsticks" dvd at borders for 50% off. chhyyeeeaaayuh.
- might try out tumblr. MIGHT.

i can't think of anything else.
i fail you blog. je suis desolee.
i'll be back more often, i (hope to) promise...

stuck | in a rut

STUCK.
that's what i've been feeling lately.

STANDSTILL. PLATEAU. middle of NOWHERE. DIRECTIONLESS.

but it's not like all of it is negative|emo|pessimistic.
but i'm not saying being stuck is a good thing either (who would?).

weight.
between my heaviest and my lightest, i lost over 25 pounds last year.
now i'm yo-yo-ing in my progress. not in the sense where im 10 pounds heavier|lighter. but it's more like 5 pounds. technically that is normal in weight shift...but i'm trying to lose weight!
i must be...
- not trying hard enough
- eating more than i think i am
gaaah. where's the motivation? i've lost it somewhere...i don't know. sometimes i'm like "yes! i am going to do this" and other days i just want to be a vegetable.
//be positive. find new fun ways to exercise. be patient.

career.
it's SO HARD looking for a job right now. so fucking hard. and i know its partly because of the economy...but still. really?
it's beginning to make me doubt myself. ALOT.
am i smart enough?
does anybody want me?
did i lose it?
i study and review (although probably not as hardcore as i should be)...and still nothing.
//be positive. keep studying. be patient.

social|life.
my social life is in socal. i miss it. but i love home. and i've been hanging out with my sister more. which i love.
i don't like traveling down there so much anymore cuz i'm MAD BROKE.
my dad drives me NUTS. i'm 22 and living at home...but that doesn't mean you treat me like a teenager.
where are you going? who are you going with? what time are you coming home? why so late? again? why?
seriously. do i ask you about everything?
ok it's not just social life. just my life. what are you doing? what did you get in the mail? did you order something? what did you buy?
seriously, just stop.
//be positive. keep living. be patient.

STUCK.
and frustrated.
and having a hard time dealing with it. and admitting it.

but i will get through this. it will pass. i'll get my break. i'll behappy(er).

makes me | happy

watching live shows really REALLY makes me happy.
and lately, every show i have been to has only made me love and respect that artist (or artists) even more.

last night me and fishy were at the first show of india.arie's latest tour.

laura izibor opened. my new favorite artist! pianist and vocalist. and she made it look SO easy. love her style!

india was...nothing short of amazing. she's so real and raw and her talent is SO beyond that of many other artists. i love her voice.

listening to her music is therapy.

videos.